Netkook, Robert Griffin of New South Wales tells us all why he stalked
Doug Wiser on Usenet. Please read below:
A: Yes we do. We have the email which Robert Griffin sent to Douglas
Wiser using his v1ndicat0r @ hotmail.com email address.
the mind of a man who has gone completely over the edge, mentally. In
a recent lover, a woman he calls [X]. [X] was an alt.suicide.holiday
poster. She used the pseudonym "Bittertwist"
his time attacking other Usenet posters. As Griffin states:
relationship; so, Anonymous Coredump was born. I needed an outlet to
----- Original Message -----
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Sent: Sunday, April 28, 2002 8:40 AM
Subject: At the end of the ally [long personal vent]
I need to write this post, because it is well overdue. As the moment,
it doesn't have a title.
Many of you no doubt think of my on-line persona(s) as an unfeeling,
heartless, obsessed, callous troll.
Perhaps before you pass that judgement on me, i would like to share
this with you, because i have nowhere else to turn.
I hurt, and i bleed. I have the lump of hardness in my chest which
only goes away occasionally. I have feelings, like you... i am good
some days, bad others; i feel joy and and i laugh and others i cry
till my body shakes and my eyes sting and no more tears come out, then
i cough and the mucus blocks my nose and i hyperventilate. i hear a
piece of music and it reminds me of a place, an occasion... I wake up
and ask "why"; i want this pain to go away, and i don't know how to
cope with it or to work around it....
As i write this, i am sitting in an international airport terminal,
waiting for a flight. I don't know where i will go... home? Or another
country? Or, oblivion? I have been travelling since 10:00 am this
morning, and i am tired... tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of
life. it came afer the biggest blow in my life, when i lost all hope.
In August of 2000 year, i started posting to ASH under the pseudonym
MAgnus Pym. The goal was to dribble out on ASH the details of my
meaningless life, before commmiting suicide on New Years Eve of 2001.
The name Magnus Pym was chosen, as the character Pym (from the Le
Carre book A Perfect Spy) had planned to write his life story, and
then suicide. This is where the simularity of the character of Pym and
i ended.
The reason for my wish to suicide (since some will ask!) is that i
have attained professional success; i had attained property and
prosperity; i had no wish for anything material in the world. I have
everything i need ... except the love of someone special. That is what
has escaped me (and always will, as i have found out again, and i now
must accept and act on).
I was 34 years old before i fell in love for the first time in my
life. And, no; it wasn't because i had never been out with a woman
before that age. I fell in love with someone *i thought* was in tune
with thoughts, feelings, tastes, and opinions, and shared many of my
tastes, and loved me with her body.
The trouble was... she loved *anyone* with her body, and, knowing how
i felt about her, wanted to keep me as a 'friend' so i didn't get
hurt... but she hid the truth of what she was doing from me. Again.
The first time i fond out was when i made my first serious suicide
attempt. When i found out this (and, this was the second time it
happened with her), i was deverstated.
My suicide attempt was put off, because i found something called IRC,
and someone i shall call [x], who came into my life and made it
special, and gave me a reason to want to live again.
[x] was a regular poster to ASH and very much loved and admired by
all. Except, i loved her with all of my heart. She and i shared many
same experiences and feelings... and, we managed to help each other to
get through the next day. We started to email regularly... we had long
IRC sessions... then long phone calls between each end of the world.
Then we met in real life ... and i was saddened... that such a
beautiful, caring, honest and sincere person was wanting to end her
life.
We spent a week going out each night after she finished work, in her
home city... it was the first time she'd done anything like this, she
said, since the reason that brought *her* to ash, which were similar
to my own. We were very close friends, nothing more (although i was
hoping for more).
I flew home, and we kept in touch by phone all the time... it was
nice. We'd give each other wake-up calls...
We talked about 'more' when i got home.. and she said she didn't feel
the same way... she wasn't sure. Then, i thought that i would not put
up with second best, and i wanted to walk away from her... i tried to
say 'this is what i want' and say goodbye... and not hurt her when in
case i suicided, although she disn't know that. The hurt in her
voice.... drove me to tears: she said: no contact at all?; i said
"no"; she said: email as well as phone?; i said "no, except on the
NG"... she sounded so hurt, so blown away... how could i hurt my
friend like this... My friend, who i loved so dearly? My friend, who i
am in love with? I found i could not turn my back on her... nor did i
want to.
We next saw each other in May, and again, it was just as friends. I
was OK with this, because i knew what i wanted; she was still in love
with her ex, and had issues she was dealing with.
We talked each other into alternatives to suicide. She encouaged me to
go to councelling; i encouaged her to give medication a try. I had had
bad experiences with doctors before; she was afraid to try councelling
because she is normally someone who keeps everything to herself. But,
we decided to do something to try and help ourselves and each other...
and i began councelling because i wanted to be a better person for
her; i wanted to be alive to see her and hold her. Her medication was
working for her, too; she no longer felt suicidal.
She flew out here in August and stayed with me for 3 weeks. I
introdced her to my real life friends and collegues... and my parents.
They loved her, too. We travelled around my country, and, this time,
we became *more* than friends.
This was the trip we had always dreamed of doing.... and i reflected
how great it was to be with someone who understood... i wanted to live
again. I wanted *that* life never to end. When i held her in my
arms.... and felt her lips on my neck... and... when she looked at me
afterwards and said "i love the expression on your face...."
She had to go back to work for a week, and then was off on holidays
with her girlfriends in Crete.
I was straight back to work... and i was on cloud 9... Then i find
that one of my employees (who quit when i was on leave) left a mess
behind.... and i had to clean it up.
I needed to vent; i couldn't; i was worried about [x] and our
relationship; so, Anonymous Coredump was born. I needed an outlet to
focus my own insecurities and aggression upon.
Yes; that was me; the sum focus of all my hate and fears and
insecuries and self-doubt focussed upon Doug, the popular enemy. Yes
troll; you made me angry; you amused me, and you kept me distracted
and entertained with your ramblings... but you are no substitute nor
distraction for the need of a living, breating, loving person in my
life. Even afer the evil you've done to me as well as who i love and
those i care about, i still feel guilty that i let you goad me into
anger. And i feel sorry for you because i know what it feels like to
be betrayed by the person i love... despite the evil you have
perpetrated, and you are to conceited to see the evil you have
harvested. Rip me apart now; you cannot make me feel much worse and
you may even push me over the edge... which i what i want, now.
I could not voice my own fears about this; i didn't want to screw up
the (potential) relationship; i knew she might read it.
I had it from by family asking about [x]; my collegues, who thought
[x] was great; and from online.... and [x] saying she wasn't sure
about her and i! Being Anonymous Coredump let me vent that agression,
and it was wrong of me to abuse ASH and others in that way.
9/11 made me realize how much [x] meant to me... and how empty my life
would be without her.
I thought all my dreams had come true; i have finally (at 36) found
someone sincere, someone loving, someone who would stand up to me and
be unswevingly loyal to me, that loved me as much as i loved her....
And i did... all except for the last part.
I found this out today... or, at least, had it confimed today. But,
we're not quite there yet....
I saw [x] again at Christmas. We had a big debate if i was staying in
her room, or a spare room (she was living with her parents - who would
have been ok if i was [x]'s boyfriend, with me staying in her bed.).
She said we were friends.... That disappointed me. For a while i was
not coming at all. But, i changed my mind; don't *you* want to spend
*your* festive season with someone you love?
Things got tense, because i started to get pushy; i knew what i
wanted, she said she didn't know what she wanted. She asked me at one
point: "if you and i were together, would you still feel suicidal?"
The perfect no-win scenario: answer yes, and it means you're a risk;
answer no, and it's emotional blackmail. i told her the only lie i
ever told her: that i would still consider suicide if we entered a
relationship.
Then i flew home to a new job, on New Years Day.
[x] decided to embark on her round the world trip in February, and had
set a date. This was to be the trip to discover herself... what she
wanted, what she needed to do for herself; what she wanted to do with
her life. We discussed my coming over to meet up while she was on
tour... and the date we provisionally set was Easter...
We talked about the relationship thing over another long distance
phone call again... and it was getting to be a pain for both of us.
We disn't really speak - phone or email - properly, for some time
before she left. Her cellphone was left in her friend's flat for a
week. We spoke properly just before she got on the plane.
When she got there and i tried to confirm the plans for Easter, she
emailled me and said that she wanted time on her own. I discussed this
with a mutual female friend, who know both of us, and who had been in
the same place herself; she said to remind myself what the trip was
all about - *her* to feel like a independant human being again, after
giving herself competely to someone who had betrayed her, which is
what brought her to ASH.
After hearing her voice in my ear every day for nearly a year, it was
a shock to not have her as a 'part' of my life... as much as a part of
your life as eating, and what i found, as necessary. I had hardly
heard from her in two months.... and there were great fears i had for
her safety. She did not email for 3 weeks... let alone phone... and i
was worried.
This is why i am sitting in an airport terminal, writing this.
It is also why i have been frantic, pushy, and agressive to people on
IRC, on some lists i am working on, and other places in cyber-life as
well. I could not sleep; i could not think; i could no longer
concentrate on my job. The worry and the stress drove me to the
fuck-up of an attempt last week.
So, I have travelled overseas to see her, and to find out what is
happening for her... she is no longer suicdal, and i am pleased for
her.
We went to a big local occasion in this country... a huge rave
party... at least, that was the pretext i used to come and see her.
We talked today. I asked her a question, and i was stunned by the
reply, because she did something before she left home which i thought
was not of her character... and she never mentioned it before she
left. To cut a long story short, she doesn't love me ... and i cannot
help but love her. I found this out today, and.... somehow i am
"I smoke your brand of cigarettes
And pray that you might give me a call
I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls
Hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home
So no of course we can't be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I guess I always knew the score
This is where our story ends."
She is everything i have ever wanted, dreamt about, desired , and
waited for... too bad she does not love me the way i love her... the
way i need her to love me... and she never will.
I have never known the love of a lover; i never will; all i will know
is what i have known - a sex and friendship hybrid - and it's not
enough. I have nothing to keep me here now; no hope to hold me back;
no reason to work to be a better person. What for? I'll still be as
lonely as hell.
I am ashamed of what i have become, when i feel anger, fear, jealousy
and what i do when i act on it or because of being goaded or angered
by it. I am afraid of what i *will* become... and may that never
happen.
I am sorry to *all* those i have hurt, pissed off, and angered. I did
it, and i regret it.
I am at the end of the ally, there is nowhere left to turn, and the
roads don't lead to Rome, but to a dead end.
Well; i found a title.
Soon i will find a way home... and i can get on with things... one
year and 4 and a bit months later than i should have. I wish i had
done it then.
My "vindicator" account is full, so use one of the other ones, if you
want to write back; i don't think i'll be reading ASH again.
And leave the dirty work to ol' TKC, will ya? That's what TKC is here
for... I have some plans for the near future that are going' to make
summer look like winter ;) Poor pymmy...
This appears to be another threat of arson from Patrick Michael Sullivan.
Whatever it is, I view it as ongoing harassment.
Please note an admission that Patrick Michael Sullivan does Douglas
Wiser's "dirty work" for him... like cyber stalking, posting personal
info of enemies, sending threats via email, etc?
Patrick Michael Sullivan will have to explain what is meant by "dirty work"
to the court.
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Subject: Dug, Dug, Dug.......
Date: 14 Jun 2004 19:22:03 -0700
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Nice to see you keepin' on, keepin' on...
Luv you!! So do many others :-)
BTW!!! You and Kathy have snail mail :-)
Peace and Love and Love and Peace...
And leave the dirty work to ol' TKC, will ya? That's what TKC is here
for... I have some plans for the near future that are going' to make
summer look like winter ;) Poor pymmy...
Later...
~tkc~
--
SHMC